Morning Tumble Into Me

I experienced a moment this morning. I’m not sure how to describe it. I want to call it an epiphany, but have had similar conversations with God and my own self many times before. What made this one different is that I felt connected to my own words, connected to the feelings I was feeling, and connected to a Loving Presence. I think that previous forays into the subject may have been more in the guise of either pleas for help, or quickly glossing over it to avoid the core, to ignore the “me” lying underneath the flippant avoidance.

But this morning, I don’t know why, I somehow ended up inside of that moment, that shadow and that conversation. As many of my friends and readers know, I’ve been on a very long journey to recreate for myself a life I enjoy waking up to. I needed to do that because of my very long history of depression and of NOT wanting to wake up at all. No need to go into that, it was what it was, and I don’t live there anymore because I’ve made incredibly wonderful progress in establishing, nurturing, maintaining and living an authentic gratitude attitude. I’ve designed a morning routine that I enjoy waking up to, starting with prayer of thanksgiving, then downstairs to my beautiful tea cup, a beautiful glass jar full of my favourite tea which hubby lovingly makes for me every morning, beautiful caring friends on Facebook, a healthy breakfast with a pantry full of the things I enjoy eating for breakfast and a window looking out over our beautiful new deck which is alive with flowers and squirrels and birds and a view brimming with beauty everywhere I look. My mornings are now my favourite part of the day.

So yes, I’ve come a long way. And yet…despite all of the progress and genuine gladness to be alive, there is still, too often for my liking lately, this little shadow of “something” that still hovers on the periphery of those first morning moments. But instead of venturing inside of it,  I’ve ignored it, assuming that it was old remnants of the old way of thinking…and therefore not somewhere I wanted to go, especially first thing in the morning. So with mind-over-matter tenacity, I resolutely start each day with positive thinking and the shadows eventually disappear.

But this morning, as I kicked off the bedsheets and sat on the side of my bed, fully intending to pray my prayer of morning thanksgiving, I found myself tumbling head-first into that dark shadow. I felt like it was going to suffocate me. I had been fairly certain that this shadow was a relapse into the old way of thinking…so there was no point in avoiding it or denying it any longer…same-old same-old…except that I wasn’t alone there this time. I felt Presence. Surrounded by Presence. He surprised me…especially when I heard Him ask this question instead of what I might have expected to hear…

“You are afraid.”

“Yes”. I was surprised to discover that it was true, that this shadow was NOT the same-old dark “not wanting to live” nemesis that had haunted me since I was about 13 years old. This morning, being finally inside of this shadow, I could see no glimpse of that old way of thinking, and I couldn’t help but feel a flutter of joy – and triumph – because to me, fear was a huge step up, a much better nemesis to have to grapple with than the despair had been. I was genuinely glad and relieved to discover that it was only fear…fear usually can’t survive in the willingness to hold its sneaky lies up to the light of truth.

“What are you afraid of?”

I didn’t even have to think, even though the answer surprised me again…”Of not making it through.”

Right away, I caught glimpses of all of the other mornings when I had arisen with the same – but unspoken – fear rising up to catch in my throat, mornings when I hadn’t allowed myself to look at it, much less speak to it, resolutely getting up and moving ahead into my daily routine…and “making it through” every single one of those days. Yes, I had made it through. Those glimpses of those accomplishments – those many days I HAD gotten through – loosened the grip the fear had on me.

“I’m afraid of not making it through the day…without failing. I’m afraid of failure. Afraid of losing important bits of myself in directions I don’t want to go in. Of not being enough to make a difference to anyone anywhere today. Of not making the most of the gift…the gift of time, and not being the gift of who I am, fear of missing out on what I’m meant to be learning…of not recognizing WHERE I’m meant to be. Of leaving important things undone. But most of all, for not being the love my soul yearns to be in this world today.”

The answer was tender. “You are all of that already, everywhere you are…you are already the love that you are, you are already unfolding yourself into the gift of time as you rise and go through your day…the day will flow you where you’re meant to go…flow you to the people and activities where your gifts and need for learning lead you to go. There’s no such thing as leaving things undone…what needs to be done will be done.”

“The Lord is my Shepherd, there is nothing else I need…”

“Yes. The day is gift…your joy is simply “be”ing you…the moments will take you through…go and live it.”

I felt such peace and courage flowing through me then. And no fear as I rose from the side of my bed and made it through to the moments waiting for me.

You are. That’s enough.

 

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Copyright © Sharon C. Matthies, Meanderings (blog), 2016. All rights reserved.
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