I’m 61 years old and have managed to survive a lifetime of struggle with profound depression, crippling anxiety, chronic fatigue and more recently, a debilitating grief after the loss of many family members and friends within a short period of time.
I’m doing very well now, and have reached stable ground. In fact, I like to think that maybe I’m living proof that there’s always hope, even when everything around you looks hopeless. There IS life beyond depression and profound grief, and there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, as long as we keep moving. Even if we have to crawl our way through on wounded hands and knees, we need to cling to the hope that there’s something better waiting for us just around that next bend in the road. I came very close to giving up, but ultimately chose to live, and here I am…living a wonderful life and traveling to places I never thought I’d ever see. It was a very long climb up out of that dark hole, but I did it. And using the rubble of all that “was-but-never-can-be-again”, I slowly built a new here-and-now that I enjoy waking up to every morning…I am very grateful to be alive.
But like most of us, I still have remnant baggage to sort through and wrestle with. Which is why I write…because sometimes I feel that all it would take for me to soar even higher is the ability to correctly articulate what exactly it is that keeps me tethered to the ground…but then as soon as I articulate one issue and maybe even a solution, another obstacle looms to challenge my wings.
I’m beginning to think that soaring isn’t the ultimate destination after all. Perhaps my wings and skies lie precisely in the journeying, in the winning through the rubble of past disasters to reach the threshold of each new day. There is a sense of accomplishment in realizing that each new lesson-learned is evolving me forward and upward, that even the most seemingly insignificant triumph enriches me and opens the door to new possibilities.
Is it possible that happiness really does come, not from chasing after some far-off, hard-to-reach thing or place or mindset – but in the simplicity of “being” right here right now and realizing that that alone is enough?
I love to write. I love to write myself into being right here right now. Writing releases something in me that needs wings, writing opens doors and windows that I often don’t even realize are possible, writing helps me breathe out the dusty old, and to breathe in the new and possible.
My hope is that maybe writing here in this blog will bring new light into these dusty old hallways and help me to clear out the thinking processes and mindsets that just don’t work for me anymore. I seek to breathe new light and life into the nooks and crannies of a soul that has been feeling somewhat lost and frayed because of the last few patches of road I’ve had to travel.
If you happen to stumble upon this little corner of cyberspace, I hope that you might find light and possibility for your own journey. One of the greatest joys in the whole world to me is to find new companions-along-the-way, kindred spirits, anam carum.
My faith is vital to me. So my spirituality is interwoven into every word I write…we are inseparable, He and I. I make no excuses for that, I would not be here today without His mercy and help through some very long and lonely stretches of dark nights of the soul. As close as we are though, and even as I’m crawling into Him for sanctuary, I still experience doubt and I still rage and weep against His silence when I need answers and hear nothing in response.
I do not seek to proselytize. Sometimes I get enthusiastic and it might come across as proselytizing. But I really cherish each person’s freedom to live their own life at their own pace and within their own choices. I will never ask someone else to believe what I believe. I believe that each of us has to journey along our own unique path to get to wherever we’re meant to be going. My faith journey is my own, my spirituality is sacred to me. How I got to my “here-and-now” was messy and lonely and terribly painful at times…but I made it through, and my survival is something I cherish because it all somehow – mercifully – evolved me into the me I am today. This blog is one of my sanctuaries where I enjoy the freedom to explore and wrestle with all the stuff that needs to find expression…and where I’m open to the possibility of discovering All that wants to find me from within that wrestling and stretching.
Take me as I am. Come in, take your shoes off and rest awhile with me, a soul in search of her spirit wings and her piece of the sky.
Copyright © Sharon C. Matthies, Meanderings (blog), 2004 – 2017. All rights reserved.