Somebody posted this on my Facebook wall last night and it sent me to bed with gratitude in my heart because for several days now, I’ve been in a bit of a funk. It was triggered by hearing about a family reunion that took place recently – and to which I was not invited. And yet I heard about it only because people contacted me to say that they were sorry I hadn’t been able to make it – apparently they all thought that it had been too far for us to drive. But after searching through my email and phone messages, we’re sure that we received nothing about being welcome to join the gathering. It would not have bothered me so much to hear that everyone had gotten together…it only bothered me to hear that they THOUGHT I had been invited and just didn’t show up. When in fact, I’ve been so hungry for family lately that nothing would have kept me away had I known I would be welcome.
So then I’ve been haunted and plagued by the relentless “why” running helter-skelter through my mind ever since. And that caused another avalanche of regrets and despair, and those old familiar feelings of inferiority and worthlessness because in my mind, the lack of invitation affirmed the fear that my life has been such a disaster and taken such questionable twists and turns as to render me unacceptable in the eyes and hearts of this part of my family. “Beyond Redemption” so to speak.
In my saner, wiser moments, I’m convinced beyond doubt that there is no such thing as being “beyond redemption”. I’ve experienced the mercy and grace of God to such profound and tangible extents, that it is impossible for me to believe that any one of us could ever be beyond His love. And yet, there I was, lost and wallowing in those old fears that I could be wrong and that maybe….
But I resolutely fought back against that tide of despair, clinging to my faith and to the lessons I’ve learned about God’s Love. I wrestled with these old regrets and ancient tapes in my head, and prayed for help in my endeavor to refocus on the positive and good – on GOD’S loving vision for my life – I mean, we can’t go back and rewrite history, can we…and having experienced His mercy and tender compassion, it’s impossible to conceive that we would be forever banned from His Presence because of stupid choices we’ve made in the past. The only sane way to keep oneself going is to believe that there is good that can come out of anything and everything…that we can grow and evolve and perhaps even become wounded healers, able to help others who are also lost and wounded along their way.
So I prayed, and wept, and prayed some more, and read inspirational writings, and prayed, nagging Him with my angst and moanings, crawling into His Love for solace, and then slowly began to regain my footing to the point where I could let go of all of that garbage. And then a friend, who knew nothing of all of this, posted this quote on my wall. For me it was the perfect answer to my prayers…a tender, loving response from a tender, loving God who knows the crushing disappointment I feel about myself all too often, who knows the agonizing sadness of those regrets and my ongoing attempts to fumble my way to “better” and “wiser”.
My journey has molded me for my greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. I can believe that none of it was lost (or wasted) time – because it has taken EACH and EVERY situation – every twist and turn has had its lessons and wisdoms that He needed me to learn – to bring me to my – not just “my”, but HIS “now” for me – and this “now”, here today, is RIGHT ON TIME! Hallelujah!!
Maybe my invitation was lost in the mail. Maybe they were just meant to be together the way they gathered, for reasons more profound than any of us know. Now it’s okay. I’m okay. I trust again. There will be other gatherings, and the time will be right for me to be there. God answered. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. And it is very very good.