Quiet Desperation

Despite years of working on “rewiring my attic” in order to evolve past old thought patterns, it still sneaks in with a whisper that reawakens an avalanche of shuddering fears. The only words I can find to accurately articulate it is “quiet desperation”. It ripples through my entire being with old feelings of emptiness and futility. It usually creeps in late at night. I’m sad that it’s still able to haunt me, even though most of my conscious thoughts nowadays focus on gratitude and contentment. I try to keep my mind busy so that it cannot take root, but perhaps I need to acknowledge its existence because it’s a reminder that there’s still work to be done. Maybe instead of allowing it to surprise me like that, I need to fling hope and truth into it the moment it begins its onslaught.

I’ve long felt healed beyond “desperation”. There was a time when quiet desperation WAS my constant companion through seemingly endless dark nights of the soul and long stretches of incapacitation. But it’s not my truth anymore. So where do those whispers echo from?

I know there is still a lingering aching in my being over the loss of my family…Dad, Mom, my brother Gary, a long list of aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and beloved in-laws. Individually they’ve each left huge holes in my heart, but collectively their passings and absences have pulled so many rugs out from under my feet that I often don’t feel like there’s any stable ground left to stand on. It’s not true, but it’s how I feel. And I have to quickly (desperately?) throw truths into those feelings to calm the panic that threatens to suffocate me with an overwhelming sense of aloneness and emptiness.

But the truth is that my life now is rich and overflowing with more than I could ever have imagined possible in those darker chapters of my journey. And yet, this feeling of utter emptiness continues to undermine the joy and contentment that I yearn for. I’ve worked hard over the years to turn my focus away from “what’s not and never will be again” to “what IS here and now”. And I’ve come a long way. But clearly not far enough to have eradicated those remnant shudders of quiet desperation.

They creep in without warning, cringing through my mind with their fears and sorrows. I stay busy, and that helps. But the best way I know to deal with them now is to pray, and to turn my whole being to the Light and Love of God, family, friends and even the healed self who deep inside trusts that all is well. I do believe that those whispers of quiet desperation will, in time, be healed into whispers of quiet joy and contentment.

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About Sharon

I love to write. I love to write myself into being right here right now. Writing releases something in me that needs wings, writing opens doors and windows that I often don't even realize are possible, writing helps me breathe out the dusty old, and to breathe in the new and possible. My hope is that maybe writing here in this blog will bring new light into these dusty old hallways and help me to clear out the thinking processes and mindsets that just don't work for me anymore. I seek to breathe new light and life into the nooks and crannies of a soul that has been feeling somewhat lost and frayed because of the last few patches of road I've had to travel.
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2 Responses to Quiet Desperation

  1. Ruth says:

    I know how hard it is to quiet those negative voices. They tend to creep in when I'm tired, or just out of sorts for whatever reason. And it's so easy to berate myself when I spend time on mindless pursuits instead of focusing on my writing, whether it's my fiction or my blog. Being down on myself, for any reason, allows those negativities to creep back in. They are so insidious, aren't they?

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  2. Eagle Heart says:

    Very insidious, Ruth. I have noticed that these feelings (fears?) tend to creep up more when I'm playing on the computer – which I do to de-stress and to keep my brain active. My days are mostly balanced enough to allow time for play, yet it's clear that it's a vulnerable time for me. If I'm diligent enough, I can catch the negative name-calling and stop it. But sometimes it simmers just below consciousness and I don't catch it quickly enough. Perhaps writing about it here will be a catalyst.Thanks for "listening", Ruth!

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